I Am Not Depressed...
I wrote this back in March as I was going through the process of getting treatment for the ADHD I have for which I have compensated my entire life. I never got back to it to post it, so I'll share this today, along with an update.
MARCH 17, 2006:
I don't have an official psychiatric diagnosis that I am not depressed, but I'm close of obtaining that.
When I do get cleared of the label of "Depressed Person", I will gladly take back my original label, "hyperactive". Well, it won't be my original "label", which a back in 1972 was "hyperactive", but it will be the same (AD/HD)diagnosis I had at age 7.
I have been intermitantly seeking treatment for this trait/ailment/disorder/dysfunction ever since I supposedly outgrew it and stopped treatment (Ritalin and Cylert) when I was about 10 or 11. In college, I was declared bipolar...only according to my memory, my journals, and my mother, I was neither manic nor depressive. Sometimes I would talk to a counselor for a little while and we would realize I wasn't depressed and I would stop counseling. Other times I would see a physician who would pass out anti-depressants like candy. (Not really, back in my twenties I took Prozac for about three months twice.)
At twentysomething, I read somewhere that adults can have ADHD...and certainly believed that I still had it. I wanted babies in my thirties, so I adapted and coped as opposed to seeking medical treatment. I took up cross-stitch to help my concentration...I was really good at it because I hyperfocused.
When baby number two was about a year, an article in the New York Times Magazine caught my eye. It was about adult AD/HD and the subject was a librarian. They said that she was in the worst possible profession for someone with ADHD...of course, panic set in upon reading the article because I was really supposed to be ordering books at the reference desk, but was distracted by the non-book review articles in the NYT!
I talked to my psychologist about my history and current situation. I had been seeing her for over a year and when she reviewed her notes, she concluded the same things I did. She said I could see the psychiatrist and get an official diagnosis, but I could also see my family doc about medication that would help.
I went to see my famiy doctor, filled with hope. However, I was still nursing my baby and didn't want to wean her just yet...she was 13 months old, so I figured we weren't nursing all the much and didn't think she'd get a lot of medicine laced breast milk at that point even if I did take something. When he said that he couldn't give me anything for ADHD until she was weaned, I burst out in tears. He insisted I needed an anti-depressant and I left the office devastated. (KEY FACTOR: tears and feelings of devastation upon leaving the office in contrast to hopefulness upon coming in to the office indicates I was upset by what transpired and not from depression!)
The next morning, I decided that the night before was the last time I would nurse my baby and I started the Zoloft. It was okay, but the only real difference I noticed was I was eating more than when I was a nursing mom and I was even more sleepy. I took that for nine months along with trying some nutritional changes...I cut out all sweeteners for about 6 weeks. That made a much bigger difference than the meds alone. Unfortunately, I saw a physicians assistant at my physical and complained that the Zoloft made me super sleepy...she put me on Effexor...now I had an even more ravenous appetite...and craved the carbs more than before.
I dumped the Effexor in September. I wasn't sad at all, but I was terribly frustrated and had all the adhd symptoms in the book, but now I was now mistaking them for depression. I coped as I always have...tolerably, but not well. I just didn't want to be that sleepy or that ravenous again.
In January, we had some family issues that I was really struggling with and told my doctor that, "I need something, but I can't deal with something that will make me gain weight...I am way to obsessed with food and weight to take something that will make that issue worse". Because Meridia is appetite suppressant with a mild anti-depressent, he let me try it. Because I am not obese, I could only take it for a month. The plan was that I would take Meridia for a month and then try Lexapro after that first month.
I did very well on Meridia. Not only did I stop overeating and lost 6 pounds in a month, I was able to concentrate better and I stopped my compulsive spending. (My spending has never been out of control, I just buy stupid stuff to cheer myself up...like a candle, cheap make-up product, stuff to get organized with, etc.)
I started Lexapro in February. I started with half the dosage and maybe I felt a little better, but our family problems were starting to clear up, too. The big thing was that I was super sleepy, overeating (more than a nursing mom, again), and my concentration started going again.
I complained to the doc and he said to take more of it, that I am probably suffering from a major depression. My therapist thought so too, until I finally enlightened him this past Tuesday.
March 14 was our third session. I was so upset about a marital issue on my first visit, I neglected key aspects of my history...like the ADHD and Ritalin. Oops. When I gave him the whole run-down, including my mom's comments and report cards where the teacher in Kindergarten called me hyperactive, he gave me a quick assessment. He also asked me about my mood swings and was pretty certain that I was not bipolar, not even a mild case. By the time I left the office, I had an appointment with an ADHD specialist and my therapist was pretty well-convinced that it was ADHD and not depression.
UPDATE: I spent about 15 minutes with the psychiatrist on March 28...she primarily review how various medications had worked in order to prescribe the correct treatment. At 11:00, I took my first 18 mg of Concerta (a from of Ritalin) and by 12:00, I knew I found the right medication.
I am not perfect, nor cured, sometimes hyper, sometimes still can't focus, sometimes I'm still sad,...but I'm only taking enough medication (36 mg.)to take the edge off of the hardest challenges and I'm NOT taking stuff I don't need.
I started another blog about this stuff (no posts, yet), so I won't be blogging specifically about ADHD here. However, in sharing this factoid, maybe you will understand why some of my posts are written in such disorganized manner at times. (Smile)
MARCH 17, 2006:
I don't have an official psychiatric diagnosis that I am not depressed, but I'm close of obtaining that.
When I do get cleared of the label of "Depressed Person", I will gladly take back my original label, "hyperactive". Well, it won't be my original "label", which a back in 1972 was "hyperactive", but it will be the same (AD/HD)diagnosis I had at age 7.
I have been intermitantly seeking treatment for this trait/ailment/disorder/dysfunction ever since I supposedly outgrew it and stopped treatment (Ritalin and Cylert) when I was about 10 or 11. In college, I was declared bipolar...only according to my memory, my journals, and my mother, I was neither manic nor depressive. Sometimes I would talk to a counselor for a little while and we would realize I wasn't depressed and I would stop counseling. Other times I would see a physician who would pass out anti-depressants like candy. (Not really, back in my twenties I took Prozac for about three months twice.)
At twentysomething, I read somewhere that adults can have ADHD...and certainly believed that I still had it. I wanted babies in my thirties, so I adapted and coped as opposed to seeking medical treatment. I took up cross-stitch to help my concentration...I was really good at it because I hyperfocused.
When baby number two was about a year, an article in the New York Times Magazine caught my eye. It was about adult AD/HD and the subject was a librarian. They said that she was in the worst possible profession for someone with ADHD...of course, panic set in upon reading the article because I was really supposed to be ordering books at the reference desk, but was distracted by the non-book review articles in the NYT!
I talked to my psychologist about my history and current situation. I had been seeing her for over a year and when she reviewed her notes, she concluded the same things I did. She said I could see the psychiatrist and get an official diagnosis, but I could also see my family doc about medication that would help.
I went to see my famiy doctor, filled with hope. However, I was still nursing my baby and didn't want to wean her just yet...she was 13 months old, so I figured we weren't nursing all the much and didn't think she'd get a lot of medicine laced breast milk at that point even if I did take something. When he said that he couldn't give me anything for ADHD until she was weaned, I burst out in tears. He insisted I needed an anti-depressant and I left the office devastated. (KEY FACTOR: tears and feelings of devastation upon leaving the office in contrast to hopefulness upon coming in to the office indicates I was upset by what transpired and not from depression!)
The next morning, I decided that the night before was the last time I would nurse my baby and I started the Zoloft. It was okay, but the only real difference I noticed was I was eating more than when I was a nursing mom and I was even more sleepy. I took that for nine months along with trying some nutritional changes...I cut out all sweeteners for about 6 weeks. That made a much bigger difference than the meds alone. Unfortunately, I saw a physicians assistant at my physical and complained that the Zoloft made me super sleepy...she put me on Effexor...now I had an even more ravenous appetite...and craved the carbs more than before.
I dumped the Effexor in September. I wasn't sad at all, but I was terribly frustrated and had all the adhd symptoms in the book, but now I was now mistaking them for depression. I coped as I always have...tolerably, but not well. I just didn't want to be that sleepy or that ravenous again.
In January, we had some family issues that I was really struggling with and told my doctor that, "I need something, but I can't deal with something that will make me gain weight...I am way to obsessed with food and weight to take something that will make that issue worse". Because Meridia is appetite suppressant with a mild anti-depressent, he let me try it. Because I am not obese, I could only take it for a month. The plan was that I would take Meridia for a month and then try Lexapro after that first month.
I did very well on Meridia. Not only did I stop overeating and lost 6 pounds in a month, I was able to concentrate better and I stopped my compulsive spending. (My spending has never been out of control, I just buy stupid stuff to cheer myself up...like a candle, cheap make-up product, stuff to get organized with, etc.)
I started Lexapro in February. I started with half the dosage and maybe I felt a little better, but our family problems were starting to clear up, too. The big thing was that I was super sleepy, overeating (more than a nursing mom, again), and my concentration started going again.
I complained to the doc and he said to take more of it, that I am probably suffering from a major depression. My therapist thought so too, until I finally enlightened him this past Tuesday.
March 14 was our third session. I was so upset about a marital issue on my first visit, I neglected key aspects of my history...like the ADHD and Ritalin. Oops. When I gave him the whole run-down, including my mom's comments and report cards where the teacher in Kindergarten called me hyperactive, he gave me a quick assessment. He also asked me about my mood swings and was pretty certain that I was not bipolar, not even a mild case. By the time I left the office, I had an appointment with an ADHD specialist and my therapist was pretty well-convinced that it was ADHD and not depression.
UPDATE: I spent about 15 minutes with the psychiatrist on March 28...she primarily review how various medications had worked in order to prescribe the correct treatment. At 11:00, I took my first 18 mg of Concerta (a from of Ritalin) and by 12:00, I knew I found the right medication.
I am not perfect, nor cured, sometimes hyper, sometimes still can't focus, sometimes I'm still sad,...but I'm only taking enough medication (36 mg.)to take the edge off of the hardest challenges and I'm NOT taking stuff I don't need.
I started another blog about this stuff (no posts, yet), so I won't be blogging specifically about ADHD here. However, in sharing this factoid, maybe you will understand why some of my posts are written in such disorganized manner at times. (Smile)
posted by Susan at 1:18 PM
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